the turtle speaks

What does it take to be a parent? (or, thoughts on the DHS process)

Kate and I recently became interested in doing some foster care, so we contacted a local agency and have gone through the process. We’ve learned a lot about it; it’s fairly involved. Here’s a few things DHS requires before allowing a foster child or kinship placement in your home:

• Income verification
• Background check and fingerprinting
• Auto insurance verification
• Three (phone) interviews with non-family references
• Health screening
• Disclosure of parenting styles, marital and psychological history, and interviews with biological children (if applicable)
• 27 hours of classroom training
• 12 hours of continuing education/year
• Home inspection, including presence of smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, appropriate controlled access to chemicals, etc
• Approval to leave the child with a family member or other person overnight

(These are from memory, and not a comprehensive list)

To have a child apart from DHS’s control, you need to:

• Be physically able to conceive and carry a child to term (repeat as desired)

These are good and red-tape and important procedures. The system needs this to prevent abuse: from those wishing to abuse the financial compensation provided and to screen the sick, unfit, and disturbed.

If society were able to impose a few of the items from the government checklist on prospective parents, there may not be as many children in DHS care. It seems strange that you have to have a license to get married or drive a car or operate a computer.* But not to bring a person into this world.

A license to have children is, of course, an unenforceable, impractical, and horrible idea.

I am grateful that as a society, we’ve determined that taking care of children is a priority. We have a system [that tries] to ensure kids have a home where they are valued, cared for, and loved. But only after they’ve been abused, neglected, ignored, or otherwise uncared for, even if their situation is temporary.

So I’m glad for DHS and the over-worked social workers and for those trying to make a difference in the future of children. There’s a lot to do. But that doesn’t make it a shame that it has to happen at all though (cue comments about the Fall, human nature, etc :-). It’s frustrating that there’s so much brokenness and pain out there and I wonder if it’s at least partially preventable.

* not really, but it’d be nice sometimes :-)

Postscript: I’ve been thinking about this for months and have reworked it 3-4 times. In re-re-reading it, I’m not sure how it comes across. I realize I’m human like everyone but left this as is. I don’t claim to be a great parent (or even a good one). Here’s to compassion, healing, and education.

The familiarity of marriage

I’m not a marriage expert; I’ve only had one and it hasn’t even lasted for 10 years. But I have noticed something I enjoy: the familiarity.

At church recently, we were led in a song that was on a praise DVD that our boys listened to years ago. The song apparently triggered the same memory in our mind; we looked at each other at the same time and smiled, knowingly.

I like that I know Kate will pop her neck before she goes to sleep and that she makes a seal noise (“ar ar ar”) when I try to make her laugh with a bad joke. I like that we know the threat of eating curry before driving and enjoy Space Oddity by David Bowie.

There’s a hundred other things that could be added to this list, of varying degrees of intimacy and embarrassment. Knowing and being known; shared memories and rituals; loving and being loved. Makes it worthwhile.

I thought of this because someone I know quoted a tweet (since deleted) that said:

SINGLE is NOT a status. It’s a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live & enjoy life without depending on others.

This struck me as odd. I don’t doubt that many single people are strong. I don’t doubt that many married people are co-dependent (or whatever psychological term is in vogue). But a few counter-thoughts:

1. Single is a status. Especially since status generally has a positive connotation, I would think such would be proud of it. If status is an uncomfortable word, how about state?
2. Aren’t some of [all?] the best parts of living & enjoying life the times we spend with other people?
3. What’s wrong with depending on others? We’re born depending on others, and psychology (and common sense) tell us we’re made to be that way; whether in a marriage relationship or not.
4. The username of the original tweeter was sexlovefacts. While you don’t have to be married to have sex and love, it generally requires other people (facts are generally true whether you’re around anyone else or not).

Rules for talking to a woman about pregnancy

I continue to hear stories about folks who presume a woman is in the family way, making unfortunate and awkward statements as a result. Something must be done. As a public service to humanity, I make available the following list of rules as to when you may comment on a woman’s pregnancy:

1. If the woman has told you. This includes:
   • Her saying “I’m pregnant” or similar
   • Attending a baby shower clearly in her honor
   • Apparel worn by the woman indicating pregnancy (“Bun in oven” or “Baby on Board” t-shirts, etc.)
2. Physically seeing the baby emerge from the womb.
3. There is no rule three.

Even so, rule #1 includes an implicit 1-2 week time limit. I had a friend who, having been told she was pregnant, asked his neighbor when her baby was due. She told him it was born two months ago. Ouch.

Rule #2 is fairly foolproof, though a little awkward.

Otherwise, that’s it. No comments based on appearance, moodiness, swelling, excessive shopping at Babies-R-Us, randomly painting a bedroom baby blue, etc. This is, of course, an important corollary to the questions you don’t ask a woman.

Sure, you can be a good, moral atheist. But why?

From an athiest’s blog that I read talking about a TV show pairing an atheist with a Christian family:

On the pleasant surprise side, I felt that the show clearly exposed that one can be a good person and have a moral, happy life as an atheist. Belief in the supernatural is not necessary for morality, effective parenting, kindness, or any other positive qualities. The show effectively conveyed this truth.

I have no doubt that atheists or agnostics could be moral, sound people. The question I have is why? Is there some intrinsic good in living a moral life with no sense of the value of man above other animals or no recognition of a purpose or divine intent behind it all? Is there some long-term genetic survival value in forgiveness? alturism? charity? marital fidelity?

When Nietzsche wrote his famous “God is dead,” he meant that since God (or a cosmic being) is no longer a viable belief option for people, there are no absolute laws or standards by which we should subject ourselves. Nietzsche critiques the people of his day for not recognizing the significance of these events; a critique that still holds true today.

My desire and goal to live a moral life comes not only from my belief in God, but also from an inner sense of morality and justice that I attribute to God. I would be a hedonist and live for myself if I didn’t believe in God, but the fact that I recognize a greater sense of value feeds my belief in God.

So I don’t understand moral atheists. I would think atheists would not care for anything but themselves. If they felt that wasn’t right, I would think they’d ask themselves why.

Again, it’s not that non-theists can’t be good, moral people (sometimes, sadly, putting people of faith to shame). It’s that such actions don’t derive from their beliefs.

As Kurt Vonnegut noted: I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Since I originally wrote this, I read an article from an [honest] atheist renouncing his belief in morality. The implications of this are chilling, as he notes, but he’s willing to accept them as the natural outgrowth of his “born-again amoralism”.

So was I, until I experienced my shocking epiphany that the religious fundamentalists are correct: without God, there is no morality. But they are incorrect, I still believe, about there being a God. Hence, I believe, there is no morality.

…

A helpful analogy, at least for the atheist, is sin. Even though words like ‘sinful’ and ‘evil’ come naturally to the tongue as a description of, say, child-molesting, they do not describe any actual properties of anything. There are no literal sins in the world because there is no literal God and hence the whole religious superstructure that would include such categories as sin and evil. Just so, I now maintain, nothing is literally right or wrong because there is no Morality. Yet, as with the non-existence of God, we human beings can still discover plenty of completely-naturally-explainable internal resources for motivating certain preferences. Thus, enough of us are sufficiently averse to the molesting of children, and would likely continue to be so if fully informed, to put it on the books as prohibited and punishable by our society.

Well that’s good news. Aversion to child molestation (and the like) will keep our society pleasant enough (for the majority at least) for a while to come

Robert Reich on what’s wrong with America

I stumbled across Reich’s (Secretary of Labor under Clinton) blog a few months ago. I’ve been impressed by his posts and thoughts. Central to the recovery, in Reich’s mind, is the increasing concentration of wealth at the top of the American economy and the reduced purchasing power of the middle and lower classes.

In his most recent post he doesn’t blame corporations, who are maximizing profits as they should, nor the rule-abiding rich, who are merely taking advantage of legal opportunities available to them. He suggests not wealth redistribution but better regulations for better opportunity and purchasing power.

Read an article or two and see what you think. I’m a big fan of personal responsibility but that only makes sense when people have the opportunity to succeed and get ahead. Our jobless recovery and growing debt are not good omens for long-term American prosperity.

“The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants”

or so said the bumper sticker in front of me (quoting Camus as I found out later).

I always thought there was something oppressive about that Jesus guy.

Do you want bacon with that?

While getting dinner last night at Jersey Mike’s, the worker asked the lady in front of me if she’d like bacon on her sandwich.

“Did she just ask if you’d like bacon?” I asked my fellow patron kindly but with a hint of incredulity. The eavesdropping employee responded that she did, as thought I had asked the strange question.

Really? Related questions to Do you want bacon? include “Are you a sentient being?” and “Do you plan on breathing today?”

(Jersey Mike’s uses French rolls, and is thus not subject to the problem with bacon cheeseburgers).

So what are experts for again?

Interesting exercise from another blog:

1. Go to http://news.google.com
2. Search for ‘unexpectedly’ or ‘unexpected’ or ‘than expected’
3. Marvel at the news (mostly economic) that the experts and pundits didn’t predict.
4. Watch what such surprises do to the market.

Or consider these quotes from Harvard’s Economic Society around the 1929 market crash (via Futility Closet):

Nov. 16, 1929: “[A] severe depression like that of 1920-21 is outside the range of probability.” Jan. 18, 1930: “With the underlying conditions sound, we believe that the recession in general business will be checked shortly and that improvement will set in during the spring months.” May 17, 1930: “General prices are now at bottom and will shortly improve.” Aug. 30, 1930: “Since our monetary and credit structure is not only sound but unusually strong … there is every prospect that the recovery which we have been expecting will not be long delayed.” Sept. 20, 1930: “[R]ecovery will soon be evident.” Nov. 15, 1930: “[T]he outlook is for the end of the decline in business during the early part of 1931, and steady … revival for the remainder of the year.” In 1931, strapped by the depression, the Letter ceased publication.

I’m certainly no expert and would fare no better, but I wonder what these experts are for when markets and plans are based on results that are often unexpectedly higher or lower than anticipated.

Whizzing by our heads

My living room, like many other modern households, has a wireless router connecting three computers with the world. There’s TV and radio signals coming to the house, and a cell phone that’s capable of 3G wireless internet access.

With all that connectivity, do you ever wonder what messages are literally flying by your head right now? Remember the milk; I hate you; Can you pick up the kids?; Meeting starts at 10AM; Gas bill is due tomorrow; When can I see you again?; House showing this Saturday; What do you want for lunch? KTHXBYE; Will you go out with me?

You don’t ever wonder that? Yeah, me neither…

Chants from The Thin Red Line is a recording or chants from natives of a Melanasian island, chants that supplement the excellent soundtrack of the movie. They sound like angelic beings, or at least what I imagine such would sound like if they came to the Pacific, learned pidgin English, and wanted to create aural magic.

As first chant begins, a wave of transcendance starts by my ears and washes down to my feet, as though someone were pouring a bucket of other-worldly chills that cascades to my toes. The chants are raw, loud, primitive, and haunting.

I love when music does this; when sounds transport us to places we only go in our dreams of a better world or ideals of a transformed situation. Whether it’s Jeff Buckley or Van Morrison or a handful of other magical artists and moments, the power of music is awesome.

As Jari, a reviewer, notes listening to this music is like looking at stained glass with your ears.

You may not like the chants if you heard them, and that’s ok. The beauty of a free country is that you’re allowed to be wrong :-) But I’ll bet you have similar experiences. Make deliberate efforts to enjoy them.

If you’re interested: 30 second samples on Amazon | stream entire first song

Watched a bit of Fight Club with the Wife this evening. With the underlying message of the film, it’s hard to believe they had the nerve to sell copies of it. They should have given free DVD/VHS to anyone brave enough to punch the Best Buy checkout dude in the mouth.