the turtle speaks

Do you want bacon with that?

While getting dinner last night at Jersey Mike’s, the worker asked the lady in front of me if she’d like bacon on her sandwich.

“Did she just ask if you’d like bacon?” I asked my fellow patron kindly but with a hint of incredulity. The eavesdropping employee responded that she did, as thought I had asked the strange question.

Really? Related questions to Do you want bacon? include “Are you a sentient being?” and “Do you plan on breathing today?”

(Jersey Mike’s uses French rolls, and is thus not subject to the problem with bacon cheeseburgers).

The problem with bacon burgers

I enjoyed lunch with my brother-in-law at Cow Calf Hay* today. I had the daunting Mad Cow burger: potatoes, pepper jack cheese, chicken, bacon, and burger.

Absolutely delicious. One minor complaint though, and it’s common with burgers at sit-down restaurants: the Bacon Dilemma.

See the bacon distribution? Fully half of the bacon is off the burger. The slices are arranged in an unfortunate X pattern across the burger. The obvious disadvantage of this arrangement:

• It allows for bacon-less bites

The advantages:

• It shows there is bacon on the burger
• It allows bacon-only bites

Our server, who seems to be an otherwise reasonable man, suggested it was a feature to have some bites with bacon and some without. I disagree. If I wanted a burger without bacon, I could have ordered it. But why? Bacon is the candy of the meat world. No one wants a bite without meat or lettuce just so they can compare and contrast the different tastes. Who wants a ½ bacon burger?

Regarding the first ‘advantage,’ I hope there’s bacon on the burger. I ordered it that way. They don’t let the cheese hang off an inch all around to make you think you got a good deal. It’s not a bacon bonus (which would be sweet). It’s part of the burger.

And while bacon-only bites are nice, I can order a plate of bacon if that’s what I want.

Clearly, the disadvantages outweigh the [non-existent] advantages.

Fortunately the solution is easy: break the bacon slices in half and arrange them in a delicious overlapping manner across the entirety of the burger, giving delicious bacon flavor to every bite.

It’s just a shame that it has to be done in the first place.

* If you say it fast, it says Cow Cafe which is clever, to be sure. Unfortunately it took me several times of saying it out loud to get it.